Last Saturday I went to a Vaping Convention to dress up in a cigarette costume. A very unique opportunity but it allowed me to work on my roasting, improv, and general entertaining skills.
The convention was held at a bar that specialized in indoor volleyball courts. Placed on top of the sand was a thick canvas that made sure that no one’s shoes got dirty but it did leave some uneven patches across the floor.
On the outside of the room were all the various vendors selling their various flavors of vaping liquid. Above all of this was a giant plume of vapor. I was told it isn’t smoke but rather vapor. Much like how a humidifier fills up your home with humid air so you don’t get bloody noses at night. (At least that’s why I need to have one.)
On the back wall there was a giant logo for Leinenkugel’s Beer. 10 minutes into the convention you could just barely see it through all the vapor. An hour later you couldn’t see it. When I left the vapor had peeled the decal off the wall. Here are the photos for proof.
There were only about 3 people who weren’t vaping at this convention. Even the people who were selling their wares were vaping when they could. 500 people had showed up within the first 30 minutes of the doors opening. So vapor that built up was substantial. Outside the vents were pumping out the vapor as much as it could, but it was no match.
My goal at this convention was to represent “Big Tobacco.” So I dressed up as a cigarette yelled at people to come back to smoking and do other things to just annoy people.
I got an introduction which was fun. I tried to start a cigarette chant that no one was about. I still tried but to no avail.
The one thing people really liked to do was slap their company’s stickers on the back of my costume as I walked around the convention. They also liked to be semi-violent with me. They weren’t doing anything that was going to hurt me. The costume was heavily padded. One guy in particular got right in my face and told me how bad I was. It was hard to take him serious because he literally was dressed up in a Tigger costume. He was a foot shorter than me even without the costume. Yet, he still wanted to tackle me to the ground to be funny. I told him no, but that I appreciated that he asked at least.
I think what I learned through this whole thing was that if you have a passion for something, you have to have a hatred that matches your passion. People who vape have a hatred for people who smoke cigarettes. It’s like people who think being a vegetarian puts you on a more Pius route than those who eat meat. Vapors are the vegetarians of our generation.
But as with vegetarians, as long as you aren’t being a douchebag about why you do what you do I don’t care.
As a way to close out this entry here are some of the things I told people while walking the convention floor:
VAPE stood for Vile Air Pollutes Everyone.
Vaping Liquid is expired holy water.
Vaping Liquid is old Mountain Dew.
Vaping Liquid is orphan tears.
Vaping Liquid is massage oil.
Vaping Liquid is nasal spray.
Vaping Liquid is what they spray on strippers before they go on stage so they can become “exotic.”
Cigarettes are what won us World War II and Vietnam.
Cigarettes will make your baby strong.
Cigarettes will make your kids get Straight A’s
Cigarettes will make your kids good at sports.
If you don’t smoke cigarettes you hate farmers.
If you don’t smoke cigarettes roads wouldn’t get paved and schools wouldn’t be built.
If my kid found my cigarettes he would look cool. If he found my vaping liquid he would drink it and die.
Cigarettes built our country.
Cigarettes make you better at video games.
Vaping machines look like a breathalyzer, which most of the people there looked like they were used to blowing into.
Vaping makes you get dumb tattoos and piercings.
Vaping pens make it look like you are sucking on a robot’s penis.
All in a day’s work I guess.