Golf is a game that you are expected to play as you get older. I read a long time ago, or never, that in Japan some colleges have a golf class incorporated with their business classes because so many deals take place on the golf course, and in Japan if you beat the person you are trying to do business with you get to make the one and only offer.

At one point in our life we own a set of golf clubs for some reason or another. Most of the time it’s an old set that used to be your parents’. But some of us actually go and buy our own new set of golf clubs just for us. And then proceed to use them once a summer when you get coaxed into doing a golf outing for work, family or bar event.

Most people aren’t good at golf, but we find ways to make sure people will want to go golfing. Don’t worry if you are terrible because we are doing a scramble, so even if you are terrible if you have one good shot and we use it that’s helpful. If that doesn’t entice you enough than good news you can drive the golf cart and while you are driving the golf cart we’ll have a 6 pack of beer in the back so we don’t have to worry about missing the drink cart girl. And yes those beers are for the front 9. When we make the turn we’ll fill up that bag again.

If you have kids and they are terrible at golf like you, you can take them to a mini-golf course so they can just do the putting part of the game. Not only that but there are windmills and a lot more ice cream at these courses. But even if you play golf regularly and you like putting you are going to get fucked over because astro-turf doesn’t give you the best read. So when you jokingly tell your girlfriend that whoever wins gets to pick where we eat for dinner and she beats you by 10 strokes you have to buy a more expensive meal at a fancy restaurant compared to the Applebee’s that you wanted to go to.

Golf makes so much money because it has the best marketing. “Shitty at golf? Don’t worry, all you need is this club. You probably won’t be better, but at least you’ll think you are getting better.”

It worked on me. I got a new driver this last week because I was watching the PGA Championship and a commercial how many yards I was leaving on the tee box. I figured probably a lot. But that doesn’t matter too much if you are constantly slicing and have no idea why. So when I get my new driver I’m sure the yards I’m losing from the tee box are being tacked on to the end of my already horrible drive. So instead of being 5 yards deep into the woods off to the left I’ll be 25 yards deep into the woods!

But it’s a good game still. Right now it’s 79 degrees and sunny. And I can only think about going golfing, because I went recently and finished my round with 2 pars and a birdie and I think that’s going to happen again.

Golfing is like going to a strip club. You think you are the man, I mean the girls are flirting with you, or you are hitting the ball well, but it’s just a fleeting experience, because none of it is true, it’s just a façade so that you keep going back.

Well at least with golfing I don’t smell like glitter and daddy issues when I get home.