Hello, I’m not allowed to say who I am but I’m a member of THEY.

THEY is an organization that puts out all of the opinions that you hear on a day-to-day basis. We work in a secret bunker 24 hours a day. As news happens we quickly form the opinions and make sure to spread those opinions to the American people.

So when you hear the statement: “They say that (insert favorite football team) won’t win because the middle linebackers can’t stop the run attack.”

Or: “They say (insert current movie) is really good and will win the Oscar.”

We are the “they” in those statements.

We were created in order to get the ball rolling on important issues that are plaguing our country.

Why does that celebrity act like an idiot? We told the public why.  

Why does everyone hate your favorite team? We told the public why.

People on their own can’t form good opinions, we tell them what to think.

The most important reason though is so that people will feel like underdogs. Imagine when you hear that something you are passionate about is struck down because “THEY” said it would be. Whether it is true or not your mind turns defensive and you try to overcome those statements in order to make yourself feel better. That feeling you get when you make a passionate plea for your cause is what we are trying to get out of you.

Whenever you feel like you are being counted out you watch the movies and the sporting contests so that you can prove your friends and “THEY” wrong. And when you watch those movies and you watch those games you are gathering more ammo to take to your friends so you can defy “THEY.”

But what you are really doing is watching the advertisements that go with those programs. We have stirred up that emotion inside of you and now you have no choice but to sit down and watch the program advertisements and all.

So in reality the most important thing we do is keep the economy going. We tell you:  “THEY” say you have no chance of achieving happiness. So you tune in to find out that it is possible and then you buy the products that you see in the meantime and become even happier.

What we are doing is a great service for the country. We stimulate the country by spurring intellectual conversation and economic growth through people’s disposable income. 

We aren’t going anywhere either. As long as there are passions to exploit we will be there to spread the rumors that need to be spread.

‘THEY’ didn’t want you to read this, but in all honesty we did. Believe it or not, the main thing is that you have now read the argument and now it’s buried in your head. What else is buried in your head?

McDonald’s: I’m Loving It.